I can't help but think I just don't fit sometimes. There are things about me that just ARE. I cannot change them and I'm done fighting them.
I'm two things that, individually wouldn't be make or break when dating, but together are an absolute recipe for disaster when it comes to finding a partner in life. I'm both smart and fat. Basically a combination that makes for grade A man-repellent. At least I repel the guys who I find remotely attractive and interesting who have some semblance of a career, confidence and a passion for living.
I've tried the online dating thing with very little luck. On occasion, I have met a guy or two who seem to have it together, but are recovering from some sort of long term relationship that scarred them to the point of never being able to open up to someone new. Those inevitably end in "you're not her." So, I'm not her (whoever she is), let this be a warning to all men.
I have met the occasional chubby chaser out in the wild and those flings end as soon as they get what they want.
Recently, I was asked out by a guy who seemed to be alright. He asked me out and we had a nice enough time. He was a nice guy, but immediately seemed to want to be in a serious relationship without even knowing me. Most things about him weren't objectionable, but nothing was too special either. I was turned off when he said he didn't have career aspirations (at all), he had no real opinions or interests about things to do on dates (at all), he didn't like people who played sports in high school (at all) and his sister (who had life experiences similar to me, not that he asked about that) he called an "over achiever." He didn't like people or crowds and when the bar got loud with people playing trivia, he just shut down. So, though he wasn't awful, I really just couldn't lead the guy on because I knew deep down I wasn't interested and would only end up hurting him.
So, here I am. I'm a smart girl with undeniable curves (lumps at this point) and I'm unwilling to settle for bland emotionless guys who float through life. With those men out of the equation, I have learned that I'm not good enough for any man who has ever loved another woman. I'm never going to measure up to whatever voodoo magic young women put on young men that I never possessed.
I try and be ok. Sometimes, I'm better than ok. I have amazing friends, a great career, a fun gym, interests in music and art. Sometimes I'm perfectly happy and content.
Yet, I still want a partner. A man who challenges and inspires me. One with interests and passion who has a moral compass and is still attractive - even if in a quirky way. I want someone confident and happy who complements my life and who I can challenge and inspire in return.
At this point, I've simply resigned to being alone. I finally have a life I'm 75% pleased with... I guess wishing for the final 25% is a fool's errand.
