Big Fish in a Small Pond

I can't help but think I just don't fit sometimes. There are things about me that just ARE. I cannot change them and I'm done fighting them.

I'm two things that, individually wouldn't be make or break when dating, but together are an absolute recipe for disaster when it comes to finding a partner in life. I'm both smart and fat. Basically a combination that makes for grade A man-repellent. At least I repel the guys who I find remotely attractive and interesting who have some semblance of a career, confidence and a passion for living.

I've tried the online dating thing with very little luck. On occasion, I have met a guy or two who seem to have it together, but are recovering from some sort of long term relationship that scarred them to the point of never being able to open up to someone new. Those inevitably end in "you're not her." So, I'm not her (whoever she is), let this be a warning to all men.

I have met the occasional chubby chaser out in the wild and those flings end as soon as they get what they want.

Recently, I was asked out by a guy who seemed to be alright. He asked me out and we had a nice enough time. He was a nice guy, but immediately seemed to want to be in a serious relationship without even knowing me. Most things about  him weren't objectionable, but nothing was too special either. I was turned off when he said he didn't have career aspirations (at all), he had no real opinions or interests about things to do on dates (at all), he didn't like people who played sports in high school (at all) and his sister (who had life experiences similar to me, not that he asked about that) he called an "over achiever."  He didn't like people or crowds and when the bar got loud with people playing trivia, he just shut down. So, though he wasn't awful, I really just couldn't lead the guy on because I knew deep down I wasn't interested and would only end up hurting him.

So, here I am. I'm a smart girl with undeniable curves (lumps at this point) and I'm unwilling to settle for bland emotionless guys who float through life. With those men out of the equation, I have learned that I'm not good enough for any man who has ever loved another woman. I'm never going to measure up to whatever voodoo magic young women put on young men that I never possessed.

I try and be ok. Sometimes, I'm better than ok. I have amazing friends, a great career, a fun gym, interests in music and art. Sometimes I'm perfectly happy and content.

Yet, I still want a partner. A man who challenges and inspires me. One with interests and passion who has a moral compass and is still attractive - even if in a quirky way. I want someone confident and happy who complements my life and who I can challenge and inspire in return.

At this point, I've simply resigned to being alone. I finally have a life I'm 75% pleased with... I guess wishing for the final 25% is a fool's errand.

The Last Straw: Spite Date 3 of 3

This is what I sounded like the last time I talked to my friend and confidant who knows all my baggage -

Me: Coach, take me out. I'm done.
Friend: You've had some undeniable setbacks, that doesn't mean you are hopeless and this will never work out.
Me: Nope, I'm done. This game is unwinnable. I'm too old and all the decent guys have been taken. The couple of decent guys out there aren't interested or lose interest. I wish I could get a cat to keep me company, but I'm allergic.

I went on my final online date last week. I knew it was doomed from the start, but I had to just try one last time (why do I keep doing this to myself?). The guy I went out with was kinda like a hopeful puppy who had a hard life but kept his boyish optimism about him. We'll call him Timmy.

Timmy and I just weren't a match at all. He was a sweet guy... slightly off, but not a horrible human.

We met for coffee and over the course of the hour or so we sat talking he aired all his dirty laundry and family drama. I admired his ability to be so open, but some things are just not appropriate for a first meeting. He is back living at home with family who seem to make very poor decisions when it comes to time and money. He kept telling me his family members were all crazy and repeatedly said things like "I won't introduce you to them anytime soon" and I thought, "how does this kid think we'll ever go out again, much less meet family members?!"

Over the course of the conversation he told me about his ex, whom he had dated for over two years. Then he says, oh, by the way, they were engaged and trying to get pregnant while engaged. Then he tells me his sister is married and had been trying to get pregnant, but that wasn't working so something must be "wrong with her" (totally inappropriate and ridiculous to say to a friend, much less a stranger on a first meeting).

He also seemed to be slightly delusional. Without having much formal education, he said he was working on a novel epic, like Lord of the Rings, and someday it was going to get published and be made into movies, yadayada... but his computer crashed so now he only has 8 pages written (what?!). Don't get me wrong, I admire his passion and positive outlook on life, I just don't think it was realistic and would have made me bonkers.

I started to feel trapped and had no exit strategy. As I was trying to plan an escape he says, "Hey, I'm having a ball (I don't think my presence really factored in here... I think he could've had a ball talking to a brick wall). What are you doing the rest of tonight? Wanna take a walk around the parking lot or something?"

OOOOOOH, HELLS TO THE NO. I'm not even going to point out all the baffling foolishness in this proposition.

I tried to politely tell him that I wasn't really digging the chemistry and had some errands to run (thanks, but no thanks).

The poor kid was definitely hurt. I felt bad. Timmy tried to play it off like, "Relax, lady. I just said I wanted to walk" (re-gosh-darn-diculous). I told him he was a nice guy, but it just wasn't something I was interested in.

We parted ways and he thought he might go out to a bar (surprising for someone who "isn't drinking" but totally cool) and I  encouraged him to go out. I wished him well. I truly do hope he finds a woman who will be more compatible and make him happy, I just know that person is NOT me.

After my trifecta of crappy dates, I'm throwing in the towel. Maybe not forever, but definitely through the end of 2015. I'm exhausted and feeling blue. Growing up thinking "something will eventually work out with the right guy" and looking around to find myself grown with nothing even close to worked out is a sad lonely place to be. I'm processing in this blog and revisiting the humor of my situation... maybe that'll make it less hopeless. A girl can only hope.

A Swing and a Miss: Spite Date 2 of 3

When things with Mr. Chlumsky were clearly dead in the water, I kept at it. I reached out to a few guys who seemed compatible and received radio silence in return, I received a few new messages from wackadoos with the standard "what up, beautiful?" (ignored those) and I gave others a chance. Life is life and I had to just continue to move on from Link and I was thinking the best way to accomplish that was by meeting someone new.

The next week there was a mutual "like" and a follow up message from a man I will call refer to as Ralph (did you know ralph is another word for vomit?). I participated in the whole back and forth thing. After giving me his number, he seemed to want to text a lot and I replied to his messages, though he sent more than I would normally expect. He said he new to online dating and only talking to me which, though chivalrous in nature, is not a communication standard for these websites. I appreciated his candor and continued to hit the ball back when he'd lob it over to me.

Not wanting to waste time on a dud, I suggested we meet up for a happy hour sometime soon. We agreed on a day. As we were texting there were a couple other red flags (which I definitely picked up on). One time he asked me what my "height requirement" was for guys. I said it was an odd question and that I thought there were lots of guys out there my height (5'5") who might be great, so why put a requirement on someone? He said, "well, I definitely meet that at 5'11" and I would never date a woman taller than I am!" Clearly... he was behaving like a closed minded douche canoe, but I said we'd go out, so we might as well meet.

Note: If I'm 100% honest with myself and those around me, I do prefer a guy to be taller than me. It is one of those gender stereotypes that plays to my feminine insecurity about being terrified of being "bigger" (read: heavier) than the guy I'm dating. However, the older I get, the more I realize that height is just a thing none of us can control and we shouldn't be punished for. Though we can't control our height, we can control our minds. If I am attracted to someone and click with them mentally, I'm not going to freak if he can look me in the eyes or *maybe* look up to me.

The night before our date, I think he wanted me to communicate with him consistently, but I had plans with my friend (sorry 'bout ya). It was very odd behavior, but he said he was new to online dating, so maybe it was just that he was unaware of online dating norms and not that he was an obsessive turd.

The day of our date, I texted him and he proposed a time and place to meet. I checked my schedule and quickly confirmed. He wasn't as chatty, but I thought communicating 24/7 was odd to begin with, so I was going to just wait and see how our meeting went.

What happened when I went to meet him? HE STOOD ME UP.

The restaurant was busier than normal and the bar was packed and had a band playing, which is not necessarily how I want to meet someone and talk to them for the first time, so I got us squared away with a spot I could hear someone else and texted a couple updates, "This place is busier than I thought it would be." "Not to worry, I got a table upstairs." "Are you still coming?"

SILENCE. Are you f-ing kidding me?!

I sat there for 30 minutes. 20 minutes into waiting, I told the waitress I was being stood up and ordered a salad to-go. She was a doll and paid for my beer for me saying simply, "Girl code." and I couldn't have been more appreciative. 

I'm not sure if I saw him walk in and then he walked out or if it was my students catfishing me, but I feel like I saw him walk in, look at me, and leave. Infuriating.

This is where I question whether or not karma is an actual thing in life. I feel like I've done my due diligence with guys I've been out with. Yes, I have walked into a first date before and the moment I met whomever I've known full well there would never be a second date. However, when each of you has put yourselves out there to meet, both parties should act like decent humans, stay for 30-60 minutes of conversation and give the other person a chance to at least be seen, heard and validated as a worthwhile human being. It is disrespectful to leave someone hanging without a word in a restaurant by themselves. If it is truly a "no," you are honest and after chatting for a little while, say so. If you have any integrity at all you DO NOT stand someone up.

Based on his stupid questions and some of the things he said to me, I'm betting he saw me and I didn't meet his narrow-minded standard for feminine beauty or whatever. Little does he know, I'm a friggin' catch. If he just wants to have a beautiful stupid woman with mediocre taste in men (any woman who can't see through his B.S. would have to be both idiotic and lame), then he should go find her. Chances are he'll go through a second divorce since his priorities are clearly all kinds of f-ed up and he cares more about the package than what is inside.

NEWSFLASH: the package someone is in changes overtime, the brain behind the operation is what you should be concerned with.

Getting Back Out There: Spite Date 1 of 3

When my most recent semblance of a relationship crumbled, even though I'm a "wonderful gal" (::cough:: there's that bullsh*t allergy ::cough::), I took to re-upping my dating app with haste. If I wasn't enough for Link (I'll probably tell you about him later), I'd be enough for someone and show him he missed out on a catch!

Rather quickly (err... the night Link and I took a break that turned into THE break) I signed on again. I started chatting with a dude who checked all the oh-so-elusive online dating boxes: he clearly had a career, he seemed to have put time into his profile, he had a few photos that made him look like someone who was fairly normal featuring him laughing with friends (bonus - there weren't any bathroom or driving selfies). Not only did he have the bare minimum checked, he also liked to travel, was clearly motivated and passionate about his career. We'll call this potentially promising guy, Mr. Chlumsky. 

When Mr. Chlumsky messaged me, he did it with skill and I'm going to divert briefly to tell you what skilled messaging entails.

ONLINE DATING LESSON #1: How to message someone without sounding like a creep and get a date in 6 easy steps.

STEP 1 - When viewing a profile of someone you think is attractive, actually read the profile (what a novel idea!). After reading the profile, construct a couple of short thoughtful sentences and ask the woman 1-2 questions about herself inspired by her profile. (Note: you must say something more than "Hey" or "What up, sexy?" Women get heaps of those messages and picture guys on the other end of the computer clicking through sending the same generic crap to every woman he sees.)

STEP 2 - If the woman replies to your thoughtful message, she will likely answer the questions you have asked and *she should* ask you a few questions of her own. 

STEP 3 - Reply to the woman's message answering her questions. In your message, be sure to ask her another question or two about the topic you find yourselves discussing or another question about her that you are genuinely curious about.

STEP 4 - Repeat steps 2 and step 3 approximately 3-5 times to let her know you are a halfway decent guy and likely not a serial killer or casual sex seeking psychopath.

STEP 5 - If she is still replying, she will likely want more than a pen pal and has decided you might be worth meeting. Tell her you've enjoyed talking to her and ask if she'd be willing to meet. 

STEP 6 - If she says she is open to meeting, suggest a neutral meeting location for a cold or hot beverage to allow easy escape for either party if the meeting does not go well. Kindly give her your number before the date.

Please note the most important part of this lesson is in step 3. If you are talking, you must continue to ask her questions. I cannot count the number of times guys would ask me a question, I would reply and ask questions, they would answer my questions and then not ask me anything. Am I supposed to reply back with, "Wow, you are so great. [then ask another question]"? Once I kept a conversation going with a guy by relating to his experiences and asking questions. I asked 9 questions over the course of our interaction before giving up when he didn't ask me anything about myself after the first message he sent. This type of online interaction is aggravating. The behavior translates into "this man is expecting me to do all the work and isn't taking any interest in me at all"(that is not someone I will want to explore a relationship with).

Alrighty, back to Mr. Chlumsky.

After Mr. Chlumsky and I expertly moved through steps 1-5. I actually took Step 6 into my hands by suggesting we meet. This might have seemed forward, but I have gone on enough online dates to know that people may have the skill to converse online, but it all comes down to face-to-face chemistry... it is either there or it isn't. I don't feel it is worth my time to emotionally invest time communicating with someone virtually when it could be doomed when we actually meet in person and realize there is no chemistry. 

We ended up meeting the next day for a drink around happy hour time. I asked him to pick the place and he went for a dive bar with activities like darts and Skee-Ball, which was an excellent choice. The venue provided the opportunity to get away from the table and bond over an activity.

He seemed like a nice enough guy at first. I was a bit put off by the fact his eyes were glued to his phone due to his oh-so-important job that may cause our city to crumble if he wasn't on call, but I tried to be understanding. We all have to work.

We played darts and things got a bit competitive. I was having fun, but wasn't really invested since he clearly wasn't. After every turn he went back to his phone instead of paying attention to the game or our conversation (I'm sorry, but if you can't pay attention to me on a first date, you'll never pay attention to me). However, I was enjoying his company, so there was no point in cutting it off. We played another game then sat down to talk some more.

We talked about the perils of online dating and our jobs. I was impressed how he had taken risks and risen in the ranks, but really turned off by the methods he said he used in order to be respected. He talked about vindictive acts and getting satisfaction out of firing employees. If this guy was willing to be that up front about being so ruthless at work, I think he'd steamroll me in any prolonged dating scenario.

As we are talking, somehow we pieced together a puzzle to discover that I had previously dated a guy he knew from high school (fml), we'll call the high school friend, Harvey Dent. When Harvey and I dated, he disclosed to me that he had lost a significant amount of weight and even showed me a photo once. Looking back it was clear that Harvey still had lots of issues regarding his weight loss, but I had always admired Harvey's dedication to get the weight off and keep it off. We stopped seeing each other because he couldn't address conflict or be open about his feelings (we could say he was a little two-faced), but that's another story. Anyway, Mr. Chlumsky finds out I dated Harvey and says to me with sick pride, "Harvey? Oh, man. I could show you photos of him from high school!" As if me seeing Harvey 150lbs heavier would somehow make my night. Sorry, Mr. Chlumsky. I may think Harvey isn't worth my time anymore, but getting joy out of another person's hardships is just not something I am OK with. Plus, Mr. Chlumsky shouldn't be talking about the weight issues of others until he resolves his own. 

About then and there I decided this wasn't going any further than a one night date, but... then he offered me dinner and what low-income girl on a budget could say no? Plus, I had consumed two beers and needed to wait before driving home. 

We grabbed a meal nearby and I was kinda fascinated by him (in the same way someone tries to understand an evil genius). He was legitimately going through some early mid-life crisis where he is trying to figure out the next step in his life and career. In that way, I did relate to him and wanted to find out more about how he got to where he is and where he wants to go next. 

Overall, even though I had no interest in seeing Mr. Chlumsky again (for fear his evil ways might be directed at me at some point), I did have a nice night. I told him he could contact me after the upcoming holiday and he turned it around on me to contact him (welp... thanks for the easy out).

I haven't contacted him (fade-away exit, please and thank you). At the end of the day, I'm looking for a more humble and generous dude who actually can make time to be in a relationship. 

On to the next!

Sh*t Getting Real

I definitely never thought I’d be here.

Outwardly, I’ve always had that unnerving dose of realism when I’d talk about future. My whole life I’d say things like, “If I ever get married.” Outwardly I was saying “if” to indicate I wasn’t so presumptive as to think someone someday would love me (after all, who could do that?). Inwardly, I thought someone would break my cool barrier, see the best in me, and say, “This lady is the one for me!” 

Now, as I look ahead to my 31^st birthday, my 5^th or 6^th failed relationship, probably my hundredth online date (ok, that is an exaggeration, but it seems like a hundred), and a whole host of sad milestones, I officially say “if” and more often than not that if is preceded by “I probably won’t, but… if.”  

I’m sick of it. I’m utterly sick of my predicament and I’m sick of feeling like I’m broken. I’m over feeling judged by friends and family who have found (or settled) for “the one.” 

I definitely take a proactive approach to my life. I have a very clear career trajectory that continues to open doors and new possibilities; I pay my own way, own my own car, travel to see friends and relatives. I am an novice artist in my spare time. I have moved to new cities for jobs, I take risks. I see a problem, I find a solution. 

My risk taking doesn’t stop with dating, I am proactive. I do my best to put myself out there. When I’m single, I am willing to meet up with anyone for coffee or a drink because, hey, you never know! As long as they seem like a friendly, somewhat well kept, non-racist dude with some semblance of a career or passion for life who takes an interest, I’ll participate in that horrible online dating ritual and meet. Maybe the guy isn’t the most photogenic or the best writer in the world (but has clearly made an effort to write something), or maybe he didn’t have the best opening line, but maybe there is a heart of gold behind the derpy grin and who am I to be above exploring compatibility and spark in real life?

In relationships, I give guys the benefit of the doubt; I try to be forgiving and understanding. We all have our flaws and baggage at this point in our lives. I try to get to know the other person and do thoughtful things I know that they will appreciate. 

I’ve had girls say to me that I need to be more of a bitch, but I’d like to point out that the bitch approach only works for women who are unarguably attractive. I am just hoping to find someone whose company I adore and who thinks I’m not that bad to look at and finds my idiosyncrasies adorable instead of off-putting. I want to be with someone who understands life and is forgiving, so I try mirror what I’m looking for in a relationship. I feel like this is the reasonable approach, but still… that has left me standing is totally alone.

This is just a baseline, so you know where I’m coming from. I’m in a low place, but I’m looking to claw my way up from the valley of suck. Maybe that is through the humor of sharing ridiculous stories and observations of my dating and relationship debacles. Alternatively, maybe this is the beginning of the end and someday I’ll be dead and some Ph.D. student in need of a thesis will study this blog and be able to pin point exactly where I went wrong. The theory of why some people are hopeless and how to succeed in life and love.

This blog is hereby a public service announcement. Let’s go with that.

Faithfully yours,

Hopeless