Outwardly, I’ve always had that unnerving dose of realism
when I’d talk about future. My whole life I’d say things like, “If I ever get
married.” Outwardly I was saying “if” to indicate I wasn’t so presumptive as to
think someone someday would love me (after all, who could do that?). Inwardly,
I thought someone would break my cool barrier, see the best in me, and say, “This
lady is the one for me!”
Now, as I look ahead to my 31st birthday, my 5th or 6th failed relationship, probably my hundredth online date (ok,
that is an exaggeration, but it seems like a hundred), and a whole host of sad
milestones, I officially say “if” and more often than not that if is preceded
by “I probably won’t, but… if.”
I’m sick of it. I’m utterly sick of my predicament and I’m
sick of feeling like I’m broken. I’m over feeling judged by friends and family
who have found (or settled) for “the one.”
I definitely take a proactive approach to my life. I have a
very clear career trajectory that continues to open doors and new possibilities;
I pay my own way, own my own car, travel to see friends and relatives. I am an novice artist in my spare time. I have moved to new cities for jobs, I take risks. I see a
problem, I find a solution.
My risk taking doesn’t stop with dating, I am proactive. I
do my best to put myself out there. When I’m single, I am willing to meet up
with anyone for coffee or a drink because, hey, you never know! As long as they
seem like a friendly, somewhat well kept, non-racist dude with some semblance
of a career or passion for life who takes an interest, I’ll participate in that
horrible online dating ritual and meet. Maybe the guy isn’t the most photogenic
or the best writer in the world (but has clearly made an effort to write
something), or maybe he didn’t have the best opening line, but maybe there is a
heart of gold behind the derpy grin and who am I to be above exploring
compatibility and spark in real life?
In relationships, I give guys the benefit of the doubt; I
try to be forgiving and understanding. We all have our flaws and baggage at
this point in our lives. I try to get to know the other person and do
thoughtful things I know that they will appreciate.
I’ve had girls say to me that I need to be more of a bitch,
but I’d like to point out that the bitch approach only works for women who are
unarguably attractive. I am just hoping to find someone whose company I adore
and who thinks I’m not that bad to look at and finds my idiosyncrasies adorable
instead of off-putting. I want to be with someone who understands life and is
forgiving, so I try mirror what I’m looking for in a relationship. I feel like
this is the reasonable approach, but still… that has left me standing is
totally alone.
This is just a baseline, so you know where I’m coming from.
I’m in a low place, but I’m looking to claw my way up from the valley of suck.
Maybe that is through the humor of sharing ridiculous stories and observations
of my dating and relationship debacles. Alternatively, maybe this is the
beginning of the end and someday I’ll be dead and some Ph.D. student in need of
a thesis will study this blog and be able to pin point exactly where I went
wrong. The theory of why some people are hopeless and how to succeed in life and love.
This blog is hereby a public service announcement. Let’s go
with that.
Faithfully yours,
Hopeless
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